(Source: minditsthemagic, via thewill-of-fire)
February 11, 2012
January 25, 2011
This is for Real
It’ll creep up on you and stab you all over. It comes rushing through and completely takes a hold of everything. When the anxiety shoots through the ceiling and you don’t know what to do. So you’re sitting there shaking, biting your nails, and trying your fucking hardest to stay calm. And you have no weed, and you have no cigarettes, and you can’t seem to pick up a phone because anything you say won’t sound right and you have no idea how to explain what’s going on. Your head starts throbbing and then you lean over, and all you want to do is throw up everything. Just get it all out and maybe it will all be over, maybe if you drown yourself in substances, if you blare the music louder it will just go away. But it doesn’t, and you try everything you can. Only the throbbing gets louder and your eyes get bigger and eventually there’s no color, just blackness. Then the shaking becomes more rapid, and you don’t know what do to with yourself. As you lay down, as you pase around, as you do whatever you think will help at the time your heart feels like it’s going to be ripped out of your chest. So you take a deep breath and you try and let your surroundings in. And you tell yourself it’s going to be okay, but as you’re clutching your bed, as you’re squeezing your hands into a fist, as you start to get angry, frustrated and confused you lose all your hope. The music gets softer and your head slows down and your heart stops racing, and your breath becomes steadier and the grip on your bed is loosened and your eyes begin to get its color back. You fall asleep, you dream. Your mind gets taken to a place where it’s okay, where everything will be fine. And finally you’re calm, as your body lays there in peace and everything is okay, everything is fine. And the grip is loosened, and your eyes aren’t dilated, and your heart isn’t racing, and your head isn’t spinning and the music is off. Then you wake up and do it all over again.
December 14, 2010
Altruistic Smile
My sardonic tone was not to upset you
My dear,
But to inform!
For you to florish and to learn!
Your understanding means much to me
Young child,
That you practice not of
Your faults but of
Benign thoughts.
See this front you propose,
Hiding your wistful guise.
Alas! Reveal yourself!
Show us your latent.
December 4, 2010
The Dark Side of the Moon
I want to drive down the darkest, most unfamiliar road. No head lights, no street lights, just complete blackness. I will have absolutely no knowledge of where it will take me or how it will curve. I’ll drive full speed with no precautions, no way of knowing what could happen at any second. My recklessness will skyrocket +100 points. This road must be wet, foggy and slick. It must be raining and I must be alone. Not only alone in my car, but alone on this mysterious paved blackness leading me to my doom. I don’t need others around, I don’t need to be a threat of any kind; this is being done for me. I don’t need a witness. I don’t need, nor do I want to be found. My only job will be to focus solely on when my car will go haywire, when to let go of the wheel, when I will crash, when it will all be over for me. And then I’ll be left there, in the cold, in the rain, on this empty, wet, foggy and dark road. I will be left there trying or not trying to take my last breaths. No one will know where I am, no one will know this was planned. There will be no sirens heard, no ambulances will be summoned, no crying parents will be wrapped in blankets standing out in the cold, and there certainly won’t be any friends. This road will then be dubbed my new favorite.
November 29, 2010
Bad Medicine
Tell me how comparing a situation of mine to a situation between you and someone else makes any since. You had absolutely no right to do what you did. Confronting- ‘asking’, whatever the fuck you thought would be okay, was not. Tell me why you for one second thought that would be acceptable? I confided in a friend, trusted in them. They confided in you with something of mine, wrong to do, but she did. It was your job to keep that to yourself. To keep it personal and locked up in a vault, the vault you use to lock up any other secrets you so securely held before. Your friend, your ‘best friend’ asked you to. She asked you kindly and you gave her your word. This was important, this was personal. This was something so deep, just like your deep secrets. Something I didn’t need to get out, something you shouldn’t have even known about. But you did, you found out and instead of being able to just take it in and let it be, you had to dig deeper. You had to tell him-and ‘ask’ him. You had to go beyond everything we didn’t want you to. I am disappointed, I feel raped, taken from and completely trampled on because then I got confronted, by the one you asked. I was embarrassed and confused. I was being shot down and interrupted and I was utterly appalled when I realized it was you that said something.
November 23, 2010
"When life is easy, comfortable, convenient, who cares? Who bothers to become alert? Crying in your loneliness, those are the occasions when, if you use them, you can become aware. The arrow is hurting: it can be used. The pain is not to make you miserable; the pain is to make you more aware! And when you are aware, misery disappears."
November 23, 2010
Hangman
I knew how the game was played all along. I was told time and time again to stay clear and not to do it. I was being warned with a flashing, neon light in front of my face. I ignored it all and continued on my way, I crossed the path I was told not to go over. A few more steps and then I fell into the bottomless pit. The thing is, I don’t regret it so much. I’m more disappointed and indescribably hurt. And I don’t blame you for denying it. I would have done the same, but to call me crazy, to call me delusional is a little over the top. That irked me more than anything, because you know what? I did you a favor and I got nothing out of it. I lost rather; I lost a part of myself. You sir, now own the most precious part of my being. How does that make you feel? Accomplished? You probably do, because I’m just another check off your list. And I don’t hate you; I don’t wish any type of harm onto you. I’m not even sure I’m mad at you. I just wish the ending didn’t result in such a cold shoulder. I wish you didn’t just completely brush away my existence.
November 16, 2010
A Modest Proposal
Again you’re right, just how you always like to be. Maybe you weren’t holding me up anymore, but I didn’t even seem to notice. And maybe I wasn’t doing my part. But you see ‘It’s a give and take’ kind of relationship. At this point I was the giver; you were supposed to be holding me. Throwing away the shit that made me so heavy, helping me erase it all. At least help me white it out. This was your turn, my turn will come. In fact its come more times than yours has. And it’s funny, one of those gut belly laughs. It’s funny how you dislike the fact that I’m changing. Because that’s the reason I left. I left because you’re not and because I’m better than that. At first I was lost in my own world; I’ve been trapped in my mind. Illusions were starting to play a huge part of my days. I was beginning to feel the fall. I mean, I was awaiting there with my feet in the water along those edges, the edges of such murky water. I was going to do it. Hold my nose ‘3, 2, 1…’ You’re the one that helped me out. As I fell so fast, like gravity was turned on hydro speed I was knocked unconscious in the landing. So I was stuck, by myself just laying there. I was not only trapped in my mind, but my entire self was locked up in my body, not being able to express anything. I was fighting, I was fighting myself. Because this whole time I was avoiding everything, I was avoiding you in a way. Avoiding addressing you-and-you-and-you. This was all a dream; it was going back in fourth between a night mare and some glimpse of sunlight. For what seemed like days were only a couple of hours. I fell, I got up and looked around and I came right back up and proved myself. Not for you, not for anyone else but myself. And it felt fucking amazing. So now this is my time to get my shit together, to focus on what needs to be done instead of sitting on the situation. This is my time to get out of the hole, to see more than a glimpse. I want to see full on rays, beaming at me with possibilities and challenges that I’m gladly willing to take on. This is my time to get off my ass, to get out of that smoky room and move on.
November 16, 2010
Bull Shit
Drowning myself in my moms alcohol, because yes - i am that much of a coward.
November 15, 2010
Point of Extinction
Ironically I was sitting on the edge of something you didn’t want, and I was contemplating the plunge. Ironically, you’re the one that nudged me. You’re the one that caused the drop. So now I’m soaring, free falling into an ocean of so many possibilities and so many discoveries I have yet to participate in. As a boat passes by, I’m almost guaranteed to miss it, till you scream. Not for the boat, not for me, but at me. You were screaming at my falling body, as if this would help you release all the anger you for some reason had built up. You said, “YA LITTLE FUCKER!” In turn, ironically again, you got the boats attention. They threw me the cord and pulled me in. They wrapped me in warmth and took into consideration my travels, my reason for being and everything in between. Thanks for the life vest you ignorant piece of shit.
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I would love to give this camera some life again.
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All these pics of danky ass budd is making me want some sooooo bad.
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Afgooey :D
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chillum in the making
